Thursday, July 28, 2011

4-6 Weeks: The Time It Takes To Heal Most Sports Injuries Or Receive Delivery Of The Album "Freedom Rock" That Was Ordered Late One Night Off The TV Because Sometimes You Just Have To Turn It Up

It's been an interesting Summer for Mongo in my never ending quest for "Cat 5 Domination". My shoulder injury still hasn't healed completely, and even though I've continued to ride throughout rehab, it gets kinda old after a while when you are constantly in pain every time you get on a bike. This weekend will be six weeks since the crash and unfortunately I think I still have a couple of weeks until I'm 100%.

That being said, Mongo has found himself a new training aid...a 12 pound weighted vest. (Pictured Below)

These things are used by serious athletes for their multitude of uses. What's kind of funny is that they are not recommended for cycling specifically. The added weight benefits the body most when lined up in a linear fashion with the spine. At an angular slant, the increased weight puts added stress on joints and ligaments.

That being said, again...this vest is well balanced, contours to my body, I can wear it under a jersey as to not look like a total dork, and so far it's working out my abs and quads like a "mofo"! My core is definitely getting stronger, as was evident in my solo breakaway win last Saturday at the Cat 6/7 "Enemy Bike Shop" ride, so I think I'll keep using it.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Important Stuff: Youth Is Served

Mongo has already expressed his displeasure in the demise of "hotness" surrounding the hostesses at this year's Tour de France, but in all fairness to these hard working (kissing, clapping, handing over flowers) ladies, I thought I would rank them based solely on their looks and the jersey they represent.

#6...Winning Team

#5...Polka Dot Jersey (KOM)

#4...Green Jersey (Points)

#3...Maillot Jaune (Winner)

#2...Stage Winner

#1...White Jersey (Best Young Rider)

(All Photos:Cyclingnews)

Fantasy And Reality: Predictions And Results


We can debate the tradition of giving male cyclists a bunch of flowers on the podium, which they immediately throw into the crowd, I might add, but this one in particular looks pretty lame. After all, shouldn't the first Australian to ever win the Tour de France get something better than airport flowers supported by a sub-structure of celery and reeds woven by a village of Marsh Arabs? (60 Minutes reference...who's with me?)

Anyway...Cadel won a well deserved victory and Mongo feels good about his PDQ. (Potential Doping Quotient) On a scale of 1(Garmin-Cervelo) to 10 (RadioShack) on the PDQ, I'll put Cadel at a 2-3.

How did my predictions for the top 10 on GC turn out? Well...Three guys crashed out of the Tour (Kloden, Horner, Van Den Broeck), two guys crashed early and were never a factor (Leipheimer, Gesink), one guy was wishful thinking but still rode well in his first Tour (Van Garderen), and four of my picks panned out, including the winner (Sanchez, Contador, Schleck, Evans).

As for my fantasy team, "Cat 5 Domination". At a little under 2000 points out of the top 100, let's just say I'll know how to play the game better next year. (There were over 100,000 participants, so in the big scheme of things Mongo did pretty well)

95 saguaro 4066
96 Les Quebecois 4065
97 marchandmike 4064
98 Spartacus Boys 4064
99 Bazinga 4061
100 cnpmet 4058
13638 Cat 5 Domination 2073

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I Must Crush You: "Yaaay, I Won!"


Mongo's New Favorite Rider Of Bicycles Who Gets Paid To Do So


Obviously spurred on by some positive dap from Mongo here, Edvald Boasson Hagen wins two stages in the Tour de France and shows why, at only age 24, he is one of the top ten cyclists in the world.

Behind The Podium


"No, really...I promise to come back and talk to you after I drain the Platypus."

Not Too Shabby: Tommy D Finishes 9th


Maybe we've got a couple of good years left for American GC riders as we transition from the old guard in Chris Horner, VDV, and "Shetland Jens Voigt", through Tommy D, who is several years younger, and into the future of American Grand Tour contenders, Tejay Van Garderen.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Has There Ever Been A Lamer Victory Fist Pump In Pro Cycling? I Mean Really...The Overbite-Girl-Punch Combined With The Howling Scream Of A Raiders Of The Lost Ark Monkey


It all comes down to Alpe d'Huez!!!...Below is what the podium will be in Paris...In what order will be the question. 

2 Andy Schleck (Lux) Leopard Trek 0:00:15
3 Fränk Schleck (Lux) Leopard Trek 0:01:08
4 Cadel Evans (Aus) BMC Racing Team 0:01:12

How Can You Have Any Pudding If You Don't Eat Your Meat?


It's time to put the pistol back in the Pinto, finish the race like the tainted champion you are, and go home and rest up for what Mongo hopes will be a two year suspension from the CAS.

"Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, adios!"

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Mind Of Thomas Voeckler


(In a thick, "Inspector Clouseau" style, French accent)

"Why are all these peasants staring at me? Don't they know that I am trying to nonchalantly read my paper at this fake cafe...while wearing the maillot jaune...with my jaune bicycle and jaune helmet right behind me? Frere jacques...dormez vou?...I have no time for this!"

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Deathtrap Or Ebay Fortune?

"Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Shades Of Sella And Ricco


Mongo ain't buyin' Jelle Vanendert! This cat hangs with Sammy 'Chez all the way up to Luz-Ardiden in Stage 12, and then two days later wins Stage 14 up to Plateau de Beille...on what was the hardest climbing day in the Pyrenee's...against all the top GC contenders...who just happen to be excellent climbers...after just one day's rest removed from what was then the most heroic and impressive performance of his career. I haven't even mentioned that Vanendert had never won a race of any substance prior to getting off the schnide at the "Tour de France" of bike races.

Golf Clap: What You Get From A Dirty Caddie

As far back as I can remember, back to when Mongo was a teenage golf prodigy in Cuba hustling European businessmen for thousands on the local hotel courses, I have always admired Darren Clarke. Well done, my man!

Didn't I Offer Less Than I Lost?

The maze entertains with numb intervention

Withdrawing behind the shame of attention

A faraway look in the presence of vanity
Hoping to glance a reflection of humanity

Thursday, July 14, 2011

You Don't Mess With The Muska

Still living the dream, baby!

Eight Years In The Making


Tommy D hangs with the big boys most of the day and moves into 9th place on GC...becoming the highest placed American by over three minutes. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Huh...This Might Be Getting Interesting


Mongo is confident enough in his own manhood ("I luvs da ladeez") to be able to admit that Ivan Basso is a handsome man. That being said, and even including the fact that his performance thus far has been much better than Mongo expected, doesn't it look like he's wearing some sort of colored lip gloss?

If Only My Team Could Time Trial: Sammy Classes Up The Joint


Monday, July 11, 2011

Irina Shayk Vs Specialized Shiv Tandem


Hammerku: Grumpy Old Man

One hundred degrees

The fastest guys were all there

My shoulder still hurts

Ahhh...The Good Old Days

Though a long time ago, Mongo remembers how Pro Cycling used to be in the early years of the twenty first century. Back then, our cycling champions had style and the podium girls looked like 80's pornstars...sniff!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Picking Winners And Losing Ground: Not The Fantasy I Had In Mind

Over the past four stages of the Tour, Mongo has had two of the winners on my Fantasy team. Yet, my overall standings have risen and dropped by almost 3000 spots to where I now stand in 15217th place. That is a net gain of sixteen positions. As far as points go, Mongo has 561 and the current leader has 1824. I think it's fair to say that my GC hopes are over.

The 2011 Tour De France...Now With More Carnage Than A Saturday Morning Group Ride


Johnny Hoogerland is a tough son of a bitch! After doing a 540 McTwist into this barb-wire fence, thanks to some "DUI-style" driving by a French TV car, J-Hoog slapped on a new kit and finished the stage...where he emotionally received his well deserved, KOM jersey.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

AK47 Update: Erinnern Sie Sich An Mich?

Under the radar in 5th place. With "Shetland Jens Voigt" losing too much time today with a crash, and Jani Brajkovic abandoning with multiple injuries, it will be between Kloden and Horner to lead The Shack on GC. Don't count out either for a top five finish.

Irina Shayk Vs Ridley Noah FB

Two Bad Mamma Jammas: Early Race MVPs


Dazs: Boasson-Hagen Double Dips


Mongo's fantasy team ("Cat 5 Domination") got a big boost when the "Rob Lowe" of cycling...the ladies love him, EBH, took a classy win on Stage 6 today. I have jumped over 1000 positions, and now have the rest of the field in sight as I sit comfortably in 15233rd position.

I kind of learned a bit too late that the best strategy is to front-load your team with sprinters and single stage specialists. Mongo went the other way with a GC-heavy lineup. When the race gets to the high mountains I should move up considerably, but I'm pretty sure I'll be too far behind by then. I'll try to give a daily update of my team's progress as the race continues.

Doin' Some Fantasy Cycling

Mongo is participating in the Tour de France Fantasy Cycling Challenge on You have $500.00 to buy a roster of fifteen riders. To give you an example, Mark Cavendish is the most expensive rider at $108.00, while there are a handful of riders who only cost $4.00. The key is to balance out your team with sprinters, GC guys, and all-arounders.

Mongo put together a solid team and the official competition got underway today during Stage 5. The first four stages were used as practice. There are actually cool prizes to be won throughout the entire length of the Tour and the contest. is Mongo doing in the overall standings after the first stage of competition?

I am in 16317 th place! There is work to be done.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Many Great Male Athletes Have High-Pitched Feminine Voices: The Face Spinnaker Unfurls


Bobby Julich Is Smiling Down From Heaven


"What's that?...He's not dead?...My bad!"

Biopace...The electric car of cycling. A technology that was ahead of it's time. Scoffed at by traditionalists and dismissed as a gimmick, only ridden by a a few civil-disobedients through recent years, it now returns in full stealth mode to the Pro Tour peloton.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Sunday, July 3, 2011



I am extremely disappointed in the quality of the podium girls so far. Let's step it up, Tour de France! Get back to the hotties we're used to or you'll soon be on a slippery slope down to the talent level of the Volta ao Algarve.

Dorkfest: Four Years In The Making


Mongo is happy for Garmin-Cervelo. Behind the smug and the whiteness is a team that does things the right way. Of course, I'm also happy because the win in the TTT continues the long list of heroic performances by teams or individuals who were lucky enough to have a taste of Mongo's "Juice".

Though I have endorsed Garmin-Cervelo for years, in their various name forms, I usually endorse a European team as well. This year was different. Mongo had a feeling and went with a second American team...who just happened to be named BMC. 1-2 Baby!!!