Monday, June 29, 2009

The Hush Before The Silence

"Teardrops turn to children - who've never had the time
To commit the sins they pay for through - anothers evil mind
The love after the hate
The love we leave too late
I wish we'd wake up one day - and everyone feel moved
But we're caught up in the dailies and an ever changing mood"
(The Style Council)

One That Won't Make My Mouth Too Dry

It has finally happened...The ugly world of "Doping" has made it's way to the suburban group-ride circuit.

Our very own Alp d'Huez-Mike has emerged from the peloton to dominate the last two Hammerfests. I missed his performance last week, but I heard whispers, and tonight I saw the Landis-like effort with my own eyes.

Once a solid middle o' the packer, ADM has skyrocketed to the front end of the main field in meteoric fashion...Coincidence or Panamanian doctor?

Having Fun Is Fun

Mongo took his new Tao to the 23/2300 Hammerfest this evening and had not only a strong ride, but also a good time.
Attacking on the descents even though I knew I'd be swallowed up on the next climb...Leading out the Sprint even though I knew I'd be caught...Trying different gear combinations on the big climbs even though it hurt my speed...It was fun!
Enjoyment based on effort is a great deal more satisfying than enjoyment based on results.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Rip Ping


Colors Haiku

Greater than yourself
Represented by the cloth
Taking one for all

Things That Make You Go Hmm

As I rolled up to a particular intersection on my bike, once this past Friday evening and once the following Saturday morning, a fire engine passed right in front of me...the exact same the exact same moment I arrived. I really hope it's not some sort of ironic premonition.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

When The Moon Is In The Seventh House

"Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh."
(Henry David Thoreau)

What's In The Purse Grandma?


How is it that a fifty year old woman has continued to dominate French cycling for, like, thirty years?

Superstar cyclist, Jeannie Longo(cough, cough, doper, cough, cough!), wearing the house-dress style National Champion jersey, wins the TT Championship over David Brenner and Mongo's new girlfriend, Marina Juanatre.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

This Stuff Tastes Like Ass

Mongo has had a revelation. After a weekend of psychedelics, sweating, 80's music, and wishing I was hittin' it with this Linda when I was actually stuck with this Linda, Mongo decided to change his ways in dramatic style.

I sabotaged my own Hammerfest aspirations for the entire season by not showing up for this past Monday's ride...On purpose!

Why, you might ask, would I do something this stupid? I have to thank a conversation I had a week or two ago with one of the owners of this place.

I was talking about points and standings and this and that, and when I was done he basically said ...why? In that one word he reminded me that even though I'm a solid rider, I'll never be as good as I want to be, for many different reasons, so instead of chasing my tail, why not just go out and have fun. It took a few days... and a few rounds with Alice and some Peyote, but the message finally sunk in.

Though I'll continue to be competitive with myself based on performance expectations, I will now look at the Hammerfest as an opportunity to have some fun...Except, of course, when it involves my blood-feud with this guy.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Slow Down There Sparky

Is anyone buying into this sham?...I certainly hope not!

The American hype-machine has thrown its saddle on an old nag named Mellow Johnny...and there is no backing out now. With the Tour de France right around the corner and MJ not having the decency to "not race", they need to drum up a little interest and delusional excitement.

This brings us to the Nevada City Classic. Though a historical circuit race, it's not exactly UCI quality competition. Guess who just won in a mini solo breakaway? Yup, seven time TDF winner and current Cat 1/2 sandbagger, Lance Armstrong...Don't you feel proud? The last person to do the NCC-TDF double was, well, no one!!!

Mellow Johnny and his man-servant, Li'l Bronze Medalist, along with solid continental rider, Ben Jaques-Maynes, made an early break and essentially started lapping the field. At the end, MJ broke away while Levi was reading a book or talking on the phone and scored the biggest(only) win of his "comeback". Woo Hoo!!!...I smell top thirty at the Tour.

(Photo:Will Matthews/VeloNews)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

In The Beginning...

"Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason,
And this is what they choose?"

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Ninety Six Degrees: The Hottening

Heat Cramps... You experience muscle spasms, heavy sweating, and fatigue. The body temperature stays normal.

Heat Syncope... Your blood pressure temporarily drops, resulting in light-headedness or fainting.

Heat Exhaustion... Extreme weakness, exhaustion, headache, dizziness, nausea, profuse sweating, cool skin, rapid pulse, and sometimes unconsciousness. Again, your body temperature remains normal.

Heat Stroke... Headache, nausea, confusion, and a loss of physical control. Your skin is hot and dry, your body temperature extremely high. There can be collapse and unconsciousness, and, in extreme situations, death.

Let's be careful out there, kids.

Get Out And Shred

Tomorrow is the annual Go Skateboarding Day...So, go skateboarding!

Now You're Just Rubbing It In

Tony Martin, the man with absolutely no biceps, wins Stage 8 of the Tour de Suisse. He thus becomes the fifth different rider for Columbia-Highroad to win a stage of this race.

It looks like it's setting up nicely for Cancellara to take the overall with a strong TT tomorrow in the final stage. I predict the final podium will be...1. Cancellara 2. Kreuziger 3. Kloden

BTW..."The Mulletov Cocktail" is starting to round into some sort of form.

(Photo:Graham Watson/VeloNews)

Friday, June 19, 2009

Forty Is The New Forty

"Old" sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Whether it be cultural, emotional, or physiological, it hits you with the same kind of clarity as catching some skin in your zipper.

Mongo is lucky that in two out of the three...I am good to go. Not only am I in tune with what's going on with the kids in popular culture, I have the emotional capacity of a fifteen year old. Unfortunately, all of this youth is being held together in the body of a forty something.

Mongo tweaked something in his back yesterday riding the hills. Today I couldn't ride without being in a lot of I stopped. It sucks!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Blinded By Thirst

“Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Chitty Chitty Bang Bus

"Just the tip...just for a minute!"

AK47 Update: Swissin' On The DL

AK is in fifth place, forty five seconds back, with three stages to go...including another TT. Kloden will probably podium when all is said and done but I don't know if he has it in him to win. He hasn't shown me at all this year that he can be a factor in the big mountains, but maybe he's been sandbagging and now is just waiting to unleash the fury on what will be an unstable Astana team at Le Tour...At least that's what I'm hoping.

Is There Any Doubt?

The best professional cycling team in the world is Team Columbia-Highroad.

Including today's win by Cavendish at the Tour de Suisse, they've notched forty wins already this year. And it's not just one guy...everyone and their mother is winning races.

Michael Rogers is solid, but they really don't have a legit Grand Tour GC guy. Mongo's thinking that the Li'l Bronze Medalist should jump ship to this American team next year.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Porn And Mongo: Borg Assimilation

Who knew...?

After a year and a half of bringing my old timey scribesmanship and geniusy insight to this blog, Mongo has discovered that people like porn...particularly if it includes the lovely ladies from Portugal.

I am closing in on seven hundred posts early in my future Hall of Fame blogging career, and the post that has received the most hits, by far, we're talking hundreds here, is titled "Portuguese Chicks Are Porn Hot".

The article itself is about the Volta ao Algarve, but the title of the post is what draws people in. Computer users in countries from across the globe have stopped by my little blog in hopes of gleaming some fresh insight beyond the Knights of Templar style secrecy surrounding the world of coastal European adult film actresses.

Here's what I do know...

"Hey, what are you doing here... and why do you look like an albino ninja?"

Monday, June 15, 2009


Deepest peloton

No points for Mongo this time

Pretty strong ride though

Sunday, June 14, 2009

What You Could And Might Have Been

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."
(Henry David Thoreau)

Gettin' My Cardio On

It's been a good week of riding for Mongo. I've put in speed work, hill work, burned some fat, and had some satisfying smackdowns along the way.

Tomorrow is week three of the 23/2300 Hammerfest Summer Series. Mongo is currently in a four way tie for seventh place. I'll probably work on strategy during the Sprint and different gear ratios during the KOM.

Even though all the big guns will be there...who knows, I might get lucky and win a point.

Miyagi/Carmichael Training System

I haven't seen that much drag since I was a bouncer at Studio 54 back in '82.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Where's Your Helmet?

Young, Abubakar Nuk Nuk, the "Major Taylor" of the Masai tribe, was mauled shortly after this painting was completed. Onlookers noted that had he been rockin' a 53-12 combination and not been taunting the Lion, there was a good chance that the breakaway would have succeeded.

AK47 Update: Bandit...Reynolds Style

After finishing second in the Tour de Luxembourg a couple of weeks ago, AK continues his blitzkrieg through Europe with a stop at the Tour de Suisse.

In the opening TT, Kloden finished third behind Cancellara and Kreuziger. Most of the big names who aren't at the Dauphine are racing it should be pretty competitive.

Looking Good Billy Ray

One of the perks, or evils, of writing a blog is that you can say pretty much whatever you want without ramifications. You can declare yourself an expert on any subject...and get to writing.

I have chosen to make my blog more about personal expression. This manifests itself in the activities and principles that bring joy and balance to my life. That being said...


A mere week ago, on this very blog, Mongo listed eight guys who could win the Dauphine Libere. I also predicted that Alejandro "I'll see you in two years" Valverde would be the eventual winner.

Of my eight picks, five of them sit in...1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 7th. Valverde will win and Evans and Contador will round out the podium.

BTW...Mongo believes that El Pistolero was sandbagging at the Dauphine. He will be the "clear" favorite at Le Tour with an "All-Star" Astana-Mellow Johnny's-Trek-Nike-LiveStrong-Exxon team.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Speaking Of the French

Bernard Hinault is a grumpy, bitter, old prick. He's come out recently with some harsh comments on the state of Pro cycling, doping, and has made some specific comments about both Mellow Johnny and Greg Lemond.

What pissed me off the most were his backhanded compliments and criticisms of Lemond. Everyone knows that team politics in 1985 gave Hinault the win at the Tour even though Lemond was stronger. And in 1986, when Hinault said he would work "for" Lemond to pay him back, he did the opposite. Lemond had to reel back twelve minutes and make Hinault crack in the mountains to get his first Tour win. Shut up, old man!

Mongo has just learned that Laurent Fignon is in the advanced stages of cancer. He is a two time Tour winner and was the victim in perhaps the most dramatic Tour of all time. Fignon was beaten on the final stage of the 1989 Tour by Greg Lemond...and lost the race to him by eight seconds.

Though I never liked his smug "Frenchness", he was the villain to my hero. Greg Lemond got me excited about pro cycling, in many ways, because of Laurent Fignon. I wish him well on his final climb.


There's A Rose In A Fisted Glove

"...If you can't be in the race you want, win the race you're in."

(Photo:Graham Watson/VeloNews)

What's Wrong With Me?

After two solid work days with no riding since Monday's Hammerfest, Mongo was looking forward to an easy 30-40 to get my legs back under me.

I had planned on sleeping in a little and getting my ride started around ten. When I was jerked awake at around seven thirty, I knew the plans had changed...Apparently I was either about to give birth or my special Mexican bottled water wasn't really special.

Mongo often bemoans the fact that I'm being held back from my peak performance on the bike by the extra 15-20 that I can't seem to lose from around my waist. Yes, I have admitted to the B&J problem and eating late at night, but it wasn't until I did a mental checklist of the prior day's food that I understood the hows and whys of my gastrointestinal situation

This is exactly what I had to eat yesterday in order...

1. Baked crabcake w/remoulade sauce
2. Half a southwestern shrimp wrap /black bean salsa
3. Cup of lobster bisque
4. Spicy buffalo chicken tenders
5. Goat cheese bruschetta w/ sesame crackers
6. Met-Rx chocolate meal bar
7. Bowl of Raisin-Bran w/ skim milk(Ha,ha...really)
8. Pint of B&J Karmel Sutra

I think I need an intervention...but I did go riding!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Super Jaded Overrated

"Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Donkey Punch

After a strong performance a week ago in the innagural stage of the Smyrna Bicycles 23/2300 Hammerfest Summer Series, Mongo had nothing to show for it. Against one of the strongest fields to date, Mongo pack filled and executed bad tactics...which resulted in no points.

Today, with 1-4 pretty much locked up by the usual suspects, Mongo battled about seven other guys for the crucial fifth place point. I didn't get it on the KOM (Climbin' ain't my strength), but I did manage to take fifth on the Sprint after my hellacious lead-out was swallowed up in the final meters.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

This is a Scott Plasma...With SRAM Red and Zipp wheels it costs about $8500.00.

The only people that ride this bike are sponsored, professional cyclists and triathletes...and rich douchebags.

If you're a pro, you ride the best bike you can...period.

Triathletes don't care enough about their bikes to drop this kind of jack. Oh, they'll lay two to four grand on a Cervelo or a Quintana Roo, but image is not usually a concern...just going fast in a straight line wearing a man-bra and some overly short shorts.

So all we have left are the rich douchebags. These guys are different than parking lot poseurs in that they actually have game. If you drop eight large on a bike, you're telling everyone around you that not only are you faster than they're richer.

It was for this reason that Mongo almost killed himself Saturday morning in a showdown with an asiany-looking dude on the exact bike above. I won't go into the details, but I had to average over 22 mph for the last fifteen miles to catch and pass him. This included at least ten look-backs and two jumped traffic lights on his part.

When I finally rolled past him I said, "Nice run", though I really didn't mean it, and the first thing he said to me was, "Yeah, I'm on the tail end of forty miles. How far did you go?" I said, "Fifty", and kept going.

China White

There's this guy that rides where Mongo rides and he looks a great deal like the dude on the left. I affectionately, not to his face, but instead when laughing about him behind his back, call him..."Powder".(After the character in the movie of the same name...which sucked, by the way)

Anyway, pigment problems aside, Powder has always been a strange guy. I've ridden with him several times over the years and he's always been kind of a dick. What makes it even worse is that he's got at least six top of the line bikes, from steel to carbon, to choose from on any occasion...and, of course, the perfectly matching kit.

Today we passed each other going in opposite directions. I gave him the "wassup" head nod. He gave me the "two fingers off the hoods" reply. In true Powder fashion, he was riding a pink Masi or some other Italian steel bike...and rockin' the full Maglia Rosa kit with matching pink Sidi's.

If Lemmy Rode A Bike

Never Go Full Retard

It can't be denied any more. There have been too many occasions where the proof has unfolded before me. Mongo has incredible "Juice"!

A mere week ago, Mongo lampooned the demise of the man with the largest face in the peloton. He heard me...and today he responded by winning the opening TT of the Dauphine...despite the massive cheek drag.

It's quite chic right now to bag on Cadel. After all, he is a crybaby wheelsucker...but, the man with the jawbone of an ass can ride a bicycle.

(Photo:Graham Watson/VeloNews)

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Free The Dolphins

Who is going to win the Dauphine Libere?

These are the guys who "can" win...Contador/Evans/ Basso/ Valverde/ Gesink/ DeVolder/ Nibali/ Dessel.

Mongo's prediction for who "will" win is...Valverde! (He's on good form and he probably ain't gonna be allowed to race in Le Tour) The old chip on the shoulder/ something to prove motivation.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I Bought A Ticket To The World

(Artwork:Steve Caballero)

Mongo's blog has never been about commerce. It has always been an outlet for my own self-inflated verbal spewing. Mixed in among the sarcasm and snarkiness, hopefully some humor and a grain or two of wisdom can be gleamed by my growing world-wide audience.(Yeah, Nigeria...thanks for coming!)
That being said, Mongo has a great deal of respect for those individuals who follow their own path through life. I will only listen to a sermon from the top of a mountain if the preacher has crawled there from the deepest, dirtiest gutter.
Truth is not always what we want to hear. But when it is presented, the seekers will listen and the oblivious will...well, be oblivious!

AK47 Update

"If the glove don't fit..."

Nothing's been proven and Kloden is still riding...for now.

AK, with his usual Eastern European goon-posse, has invaded Luxembourg for the Tour de. It's a pretty strong team, and will probably battle Saxo and "Da Schlecks" for the overall win.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Rza Gza

"If the machine of government is of such a nature that it requires you to be the agent of injustice to another, then, I say, break the law."
(Henry David Thoreau)


Knees tend to be the downfall of many athletes. Whether through repeated impact, twisting, wear and tear, or even a catastrophic injury, once you lose your's over!

Back in the day, when back in the day really was back in the day, Mongo used to be a pretty good athlete. Varsity letters in High-School, campus championships in college...all revolving around running.

When I hit my late twenties, I gave up most of my healthy physical fitness activities in order to focus on more important things like a career, binge drinking, bad relationships, and golf...with a cart.

Though my handicap dropped to a low of 3.4(Really!), my weight ballooned to 270 pounds(Really!). Then in my thirties, I quit drinking, changed jobs, dumped the soul-sucking girlfriend, and decided to get back into some sort of shape. Unfortunately, fat guys and jogging don't mix. My knees couldn't take the pounding. So I started cycling.

Here I am today... fifty pounds lighter, seven inches off my waist, and with a resting heart rate in the low fifties. If I am not the healthiest and fittest I've been in my whole life, then it's at least in the last twenty years...all because of cycling.

I found a way initially to exercise without impact on my weak and flabby joints. And it turned into an activity and lifestyle that has changed my entire life for the better. All of this leads me to this point.

On yesterday's Hammerfest, Mongo attacked some hills in too big of a gear. The transitions are so fast and dramatic that missing a shift can get you dropped. My tendency is to power through it. I paid the price and tweaked something in my right knee. When I woke up today, I flashed back to that fat guy years ago who was in constant pain. I remembered how far I'd come and what a decent job I'd done taking care of my body...and reminded myself not to f**k up a good thing.

Listen to your knees. They'll tell you what you need to know.

Monday, June 1, 2009

I'll Be On You Like Flop Sweat On Shaq

It seems that the Hatfield-McCoy style feud has carried over from the Spring Series. Snow Bunny has enlisted the help of his pal, Alp d'Huez Mike, incorporating team tactics in an effort to beat me...and today, unfortunately, it worked.
"Hear me now and understand me later, Snow Bunny...The train is coming and the rails are getting hot." (Dr. Mongo America)