Saturday, November 26, 2011

Bring Me My Bow Of Burning Gold

“I do believe in simplicity. It is astonishing as well as sad, how many trivial affairs even the wisest thinks he must attend to in a day; how singular an affair he thinks he must omit. When the mathematician would solve a difficult problem, he first frees the equation of all encumbrances, and reduces it to its simplest terms. So simplify the problem of life, distinguish the necessary and the real. Probe the earth to see where your main roots run. ”

(Henry David Thoreau)

On The Down Low: A Win For The Ages


One might look at the photo and the title of the post and logically believe that I would be talking about Andy "Gavia Pass" Hampsten's heroic, 1988 Giro win. nice as that little victory was for American cycling, Mongo's win today at the Cat 6/7 "Enemy Bike Shop" ride has to rank right up there.

Mongo rolled into the parking lot "Undercover Brother" style, not wearing a team kit for the first time in a long while...mostly, and only, because all my shit was dirty. I have to admit I felt a little naked. Usually there is an unspoken disdain or admiration that percolates throughout the staging area for the various teams and kits in attendance.

From the get-go it was on. A group of about thirty split quickly into ten...and then soon we were three! It was Mongo, my old nemesis, "Hairy Guy With Beard On Parlee", and newcomer, "Guy Dressed Like Mario Cipollini From 1996 ". Mongo rode really well and set the pace for most of the middle of the ride. A very long stoplight allowed two "Enemy Bike Shop" team members to catch up with us and this changed the dynamic of the group for the final five miles or so. No one wanted to lead for very long because of the hard climbs toward the end.

Finally, "Cipo" attacked and Mongo tucked in behind. We gapped the three behind us and rode at a steady 25+ mph until we reached the beginning of the final kilometre (European for miles) of the ride. This is a fast, 30+ mph downhill stretch which usually concludes with an out of the saddle field sprint or a well timed breakaway. Mongo was in perfect position to win at any time, sitting comfortably in the draft, so I relaxed for a moment. Just then, out of nowhere, "Hairy Guy With Beard On Parlee" jumps both of us with less than three hundred metres (European for yards) to the finish line and looked like he was going to be the winner on the day.

The fast-twitch muscles in my legs had a mind of their own and reacted like a shirtless criminal on "Cops"...Mongo tossed the gun, climbed the neighbor's fence, and took off! I got onto his wheel with barely 200 feet to the line and dug deep. I'm talking so deep that I couldn't tell whether I was hallucinating or actually coughing up my balls...And in a bike throw that would make "E-Zab" proud, Mongo came around and took the win by half a wheel.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011



If you were not a cycling fan and I told you that the rather haggard looking woman on the right is fifty three years old and the reigning French national TT champion and she has won five consecutive and ten overall titles in this discipline as well as dozens of other international palmares, you would say two things to me... "She looks older than fifty three" and "Who friggin cares?".

Well... Jeannie Longo just beat a doping rap on a procedural technicality from a very sympathetic "French" organization. She is a national treasure after all. Mongo is no genius, and I'm pretty sure Longo and her creepy looking, color-blind, control-dodging, husband/trainer aren't the new models for Mugatu's "Derelict" campaign, so how exactly does one get that "rode hard and put away wet" look from clean living?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

What Will $639.00 Get You On Ebay?

O.G. 1975 "Torger Johnson" Logan Earth Ski...Undrilled!

Wondering Why And Where Did I Go

So...I've come to the conclusion that I, Mongo "Winthorp" Pusher, have been doing a shitty job of blogging over the past few months.

There are many reasons and excuses for my less than prolific output, and I wish I could say that I was concentrating on quality over quantity, but the truth of the matter is that I've gotten lazy!

As with cycling, writing involves getting out there and doing it. Just as you can't fake your way around dominating an "Underground-Cat 6/7-AlleyCat-Suburban-Group Ride" without training, you can't produce the brilliance that is this blog without putting in some significant keyboard time.

I vow to all my loyal and misguided readers, who are obviously just taking a break from porn when they stop by, that I, Mongo "Billy Ray" Pusher, will do my best to put in the miles and cat-up with my writing.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Irina Shayk Vs Look 596

Twenty Miles And A Lifetime Away

Mongo rode fifty miles today. Not so impressive in the big scheme of things, but considering my condition yesterday I was just happy to leave the house and get on a bike.

You see, Mongo spent all day Sunday "locked down" in my dark, cool, quiet bedroom, laying immobile, only interrupted by my occasional need to vomit. I was suffering from a migraine headache of Tsunami proportions.

About four to five times per year Mongo stumbles into the perfect storm of dehydration combined with an overload of both sugar and sodium. This leads to a total body shut down. It just so happened that yesterday was a bad day to be out of action. Mongo missed competing in the one and only Cyclocross race that I probably was ever going to do. Now...I'm obligated to try again one day.

Let me congratulate my fellow teammates from "The Greatest Bike Shop In The World" who, unlike Mongo, managed to HTFU and get out there and race. They are...Brown, Dan, Mark, Tom, Steven, and Ian. Well done, boys!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Not Prepared Whatsoever: Let's Do This

It's time for Mongo to HTFU and enter the world of Cyclocross! This Saturday I will be starting, and hopefully completing, my first race in this quirky discipline. For those of you unfamiliar with the sport, don't worry, you are not alone. It is populated mostly by Europeans, ex-mountain bikers, second-tier roadies, and dedicated amateurs with way too much disposable income.

Fun fact...Cyclocross has the highest travel time to race time ratio of all the human powered, wheeled sports. True artisans of this mystical endeavour think nothing about pre-dawn travel in life-threatening cold for hours at a time just to be able to race their guts out for forty five minutes or less...Sweet!

All kidding aside, Mongo is "kinda" looking forward to it. My category will have so many riders in it that if I don't get off the line with my patented, "Shirley Muldowney" holeshot, then the best I can hope for is finishing in the top half of the field. We'll see what happens. At least I haven't been riding at all in the past eight days! So I've got that going for me...which is nice.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I Could...But I Won't

There is a certain power to the written word. If you say something often enough and with an unwavering conviction, pretty soon people will start to believe you. Whether it's the truth or not becomes almost irrelevant. As the author of this little shack in the woods of a blog, I have chosen to keep my personal feuds out of my writing...with one exception.

After almost a year of nary a peep of controversy, mostly because he was too scared, lazy, or "injured", the ugly head of mental imbalance has once again emerged from the cave. I can only hope that he quickly sees his shadow, gets frightened, and hastily returns to the darkness for twelve more months of shut the fuck up.